Saturday, September 6, 2014

Dancing in Freedom

I've shared on my blog in the past about my struggle with my eating. By the grace of God, I have come out from the trenches of dealing with anorexia. I am by no means healed completely, and I struggle with bad habits on a daily basis...but overall I would say my progress has been nothing short of a miracle.

I have struggled lately with realizing that even though I may not restrict my intake in huge ways, my small behaviors are still affecting Aubrey. She is beginning to be extremely aware of what I do and don't do, and she is seeing that sometimes I do things differently than her. That was exactly what I have feared for the last 3 years. I never want my struggle to be passed down to her. I want nothing more than for her to have a healthy and strong view of her body, and her relationship with food to be only positive.

Christian and I recently went and visited with a Christian counselor to discuss some ways to move more towards complete freedom. My eating and body obsession affects my whole family and sometimes it is difficult for Christian to know how to handle things. Our session went very well and we both walked away with useful tools for promoting healthy habits in our family.

One thing I knew I needed to tackle was the scale. I had gotten into the habit of weighing myself every single morning and that is NOT something I wanted Aubrey to see. I would try and do it when she wasn't around, but it never failed that she would walk in and see me. It may not seem like a big deal to her now, but she will remember what I do and I don't want her to think that a number is what makes it a good or bad day.

So Christian and I talked and we decided it was time to get rid of our scale. This was huge for me. The scale is like a lifeline for me and it has been offering me a false sense of security for as long as I can remember. We thought about just throwing it away, but we wanted to do something a little more symbolic of our strides towards freedom. 

So we decided to smash our scale...and let Bre have a front row seat. I tried to explain to her that scales aren't important, but what is important is to love ourselves no matter what. To know we are fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the Universe...and He doesn't make mistakes.

I can honestly say I felt a physical release when I brought that hammer down onto the scale. Almost like chains and bondage were being flung off my body. It was so liberating and freeing for me to make a real, tangible step towards healthiness.

I think with any bondage or stronghold, when we make one small step towards freedom, God meets us and carries us another ten steps. I think when we make little attempts to let go of satan's grip...God steps in and takes huge strides on our behalf.  I never thought I would begin to find peace without knowing exactly how much the scale says, but I honestly am finding a sense of calmness and joy in not having to be a certain number. There is such entrapment in satan's lies, and it takes walking out into the light to see just how far in the dark we had really been.

Again, it goes back to the truth that when we move a allows God to move in monumental ways. He sees our willingness and wants to prove Himself faithful. I believe my chains will continue to fall off the more small, uncomfortable steps I take towards Him. I honestly don't think complete freedom will come easy or quickly but with each step, I find joy and satisfaction. I know that only comes from moving away from the lies and garbage of the devil...and more towards a Holy God.

So on behalf of my sweet girl, I will continue to make strides in the direction of freedom. Not on my own, but with God carrying me through and my family cheering me from behind.

And speaking of new beginnings, my sweet girl started dance class last week and is loving it! She is still very shy and timid, but I know she loves it because she continues to ask to go back! If nothing else, she sure is cute in her outfit...and they get a sucker at the end of class so that is nothing short of the best thing in the world to her!

SO here is a shout out to my sweet girl...let us both continue to dance freely...without cares or concerns and remember that with each step we make...we are dancing towards joy and freedom.


  1. I am so proud of you!!! Ashlee, you are taking a stand and being a role model to so many women. I am seeing it too - Evie is picking up on my food issues already. I was walking the halls at her school the other day and saw a bulletin board about worries. The first grader had written that she worries about CARBS! I was smacked into reality right there that this is the time to change my vocabulary and actions so my daughter sees food as fuel, exercise as a way to become stronger and treats make celebrations even more special. You got this girl!!! Praying for you!!!

  2. Ashlee!! I am in tears reading this, tears because I know how brave you have to be to write this, tears because you are allowing God to do a great work that is not easy and tears because I am so proud of you! I believe at the end of this journey you will be able to see yourself the way we all see you, a bright, beautiful, creative, loving person who is a joy to be around. I always tell people the struggles we go though are not just for us but for others as well. You will help to bring freedom and healing to others through the testimony God is building in you! Keep being brave, keep sharing your story, we are all behind you!
    I love you,