I blog because I love to see the growth and change in our family. I love to re-live life’s best moments and learn from life’s toughest. I hesitated to share this on my blog (even though mostly just family reads it) because of the personal nature…but then I got to thinking…my life is not perfect. My life is not always sunny. Sometimes it can bless someone else to know that life is sometimes difficult and we aren’t the only ones walking through a tough time. Sometimes we go through the valleys of life and we don’t understand it. However, when we walk through the valleys we can be assured that there is joy around the corner. We can rest in know that God has amazing plans and He alone can take the devastating and make it beautiful. I know God allows us to walk through things only to make us stronger. I will walk through this valley and search for the buried treasures along the way. If there is one thing I’ve learned… it is this. Through it all…the good, the bad and the tough…God is God. He is constant. He is sovereign. Most importantly He loves me. With a love so great I can’t fathom. With those truths in my pocket, I will carry on. I will walk in faith and trust His will for our family.
It was a Tuesday morning around 2:00 am. I reached down and protectively rubbed belly and I knew. A mother knows. I begged and pleaded with the Lord, “please don’t make it be so,” but deep down I knew what the outcome would be. The next day at the doctor’s office, my greatest fears and worries were confirmed. The moment the technician put the ultrasound up on the screen, I knew. Instantly, I broke down. Never before in my life have I experienced such grief and sorrow. Never before have I had to deal with my world tumbling down around me so quickly. Never before did I think I could love something so passionately and yet have only known it for a short while.
As if it wasn’t hard enough to lose my baby, my body failed to recognize that something had gone wrong and I was told I would have to have a D& C the following day. Thursday was one of the worst days of my life. I begged the doctor before being put to sleep to check one more time to make sure that my baby was no longer there…horror filled me as I envisioned what was about to happen. She assured me there was nothing more we could do and I closed my eyes and allowed the sleep to overtake me. Recovery was physically painless but emotionally, I’ve never felt anything like it. The days that followed are a blur. I’ve not known sorrow like that before and I honestly am not familiar with coping with loss.
It’s only by God’s grace and the love of my family and friends that I am finding my way out from the pain. I’m coming to terms with the fact that my hopes and dreams for my sweet baby are not going to turn out like I had envisioned. I’ll not get to hold my precious angel this side of heaven, but I find peace in knowing he or she is in a perfect place. A place much better than I could ever offer. I will rest in knowing God is comforting me, as well as my precious baby.
I’ll be honest…there are times I breakdown and cry out, “Why God? What could be your reasoning behind this? Why did it have to be this way?” I wait patiently for a satisfying answer, but instead I am left empty and lost. It’s then I hear a faint whisper. A moving in my soul that says, “just trust Me.” I do not pretend to know why God has us walk through the valleys. I will be the first to admit they are not fun. However, it is only in the valley’s that we are forced to look up. It’s in the valleys that we will allow God to carry us because it is the only way we can get to the other side. It’s in the valleys we come face to face with the reality that we are not in control. It’s in the valleys that we cling to the hope of our faith and grasp onto the truths of God’s Word. It’s in the valleys that we are obligated to raise our hands and say, “Your will be done, Lord”.
As I find myself moving forward, I’m clinging to God’s promises. His promises are unchanging and in a time when I feel tossed about, I need the assurance that He is still the same God. He is still out for my good. Even though times get tough, He hasn’t wavered. He is strong when I am so weak.
I keep reminding myself that in the valley there is hope, growth and ultimately joy to come. I will walk through it with tears on my face… but faith in my heart. Faith that God will turn this sadness into something beautiful. Our loss will not be in vain.
“Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.” Psalm 23:4