Saturday, January 23, 2010

Our God is Bigger...

I was recently given a book called "Intervention". It was an awesome, Christian fiction book about a mother struggling to deal with an out of control daughter addicted to drugs. I couldn't put it down.

Turn on the tv and I am drawn into this show about a young, pregnant mother who is addicted to pain medication and desperately trying to get off of them in order to save her baby.

Heard from a friend who was struggling with desiring the love and affection of guys. Longing for intimate relationships, but being left with only regretful memories.

All these situations really got me thinking...we are just one step away from Satan's trap. He is such a sneaky bastard. (Sorry mom...I felt that the word was necessary in this instance). He doesn't care who he hurts or whose life he ruins, he just wants to destroy us. He will use whatever tools necessary to lead us down the wrong path towards destruction. Oh how my anger rages at his disgusting ways.

When I was in the 6th grade, I began to take notice of the difference between myself and other girls. What I now know as just being different stages of development, I took as something was wrong with me. I have always been determined (Christian would call it stubborn) so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I began to go days without eating. Nothing. I would not allow a single morsel to enter my body...and boy did I see drastic results. I felt that I had found the secret to being thin. Just don't put food in your mouth. I would go on these 3 or 4 days of no eating about every few weeks and in the meantime I was eating little to nothing. Let me just stop here and reflect. I was 11 years old. I didn't know about eating disorders. I just wanted to be skinny like my friends. What began so innocently as a child, would develop into a life long battle. I get so angry with the devil. He didn't care that I was young and naive, he just took it as an opportunity to entrap me in bondage.

Right after my 12th birthday, I was placed into a hospital for treatment. I was in groups with teenagers and adults who were struggling with lifelong eating disorders. I sat in on these sessions and listened to devastating life stories of women who were using these crazy eating habits to cope with life. Even though I was put there to receive help, really I just walked away with more crazy ideas and ways to lose weight.

Eating and food would become my addiction. I didn't realize it then, but I was steadily choosing to follow satan down the wrong road. I struggled with hiding food, taking laxatives, refusing to eat, exercising profusely, and striving for some unobtainable goal.

Throughout high school, I faced these issues on a daily basis. I never touched alcohol, never went near drugs, remained pure in relationships, but I never let go of my eating disorder.

After I graduated college, I went into a deep struggle with my eating. Lost a ton of weight and was fully engrossed in my struggle. I was so underweight, my doctor told me he was going to put me in a hospital with or without my consent. I gained the minimum to stay out of the hospital but continued to obsess and struggle.

Slowly...very slowly through much prayer, I have begun to see the evil and wrong of my ways. I am beginning to see the destruction and lies for what they really are. I am beginning to realize that I have not had control all these years...but rather had lost complete control.

God is teaching me that I am His and my focus cannot be removed from Him. We will all struggle with sin and strongholds throughout our lives, but that doesn't mean we can't find victory each day. We are living in tough times, our lives are daily battlefields. But our God is so strong and victorious. He is mighty and willing to face the battles head on for us.

Fast forward a few years and here I am...married to the most amazing guy in the world. Wonderful family and friends. Awesome job, adorable puppy and just loving life. Don't get me wrong...I still struggle on a daily basis but I am more aware of the evil and lies that surround us. I know the devil is after my joy. He wants me back in the bottom of the pit. But dog gone it...I am fiercely determined to make sure he is defeated.

Why do I share all this...because each and everyone of us has some struggle that the devil uses to gain control. He may use alcohol, drugs, sex, obsessive habits, desire for control, food, shopping, or low self esteem. He will wedge his way in our lives using whatever method he can find.

I want to encourage you and myself to cling to God's amazing power and strength. God is such a light in a totally dark world. He has never left my side, and He won't leave yours. Whatever your struggle...whatever your stronghold...our GOD is bigger. He is stronger and He will prevail.


  1. Thank you for this post and your transparency. You are SO right- we all have those struggles in our lives, and this was a nice, much needed reminder of how BIG God is! :) LOVE YOU!

  2. Amen sister, yes HE will! Good for you for sharing....
    I love you.

  3. Wow - i had no idea you struggled with this. I have two good friends who were in VERY similar situations with anorexia & bulimia. They also found freedom & joy in Christ & are doing better & better! Thanks so much for thist post & your honestly. It is so true that we all have strongholds & that the devil is out to destroy us. But you are right - God is bigger than the boogieman:)

  4. Amen! My struggle is the same as yours, and though I have gained SO much weight in recovery and am now trying to lose healthily...I don't know if that mindset/struggle ever completely leaves. It's my battle to fight so that my daughter won't have to.

  5. Hey old friend...I never read your blog and stumbled upon it today, and what a good day to do so. Your entry was very open and honest, so sincere. I just love you Ashlee, you are right, our God is bigger and He holds us in His hand even when we feel alone, He is holding us :) Thanks for the encouraging words, I miss you and have a great week !
    ~ Corrie Marie

  6. Thank you for sharing your struggle, and praise God that He is liberating you! I, too, struggled with an ED for 17 years - I became anorexic in high school, then bulimic. Six years ago I repented completely and God restored me. My testimony is here (I started a blog and wrote a book to help other Christian women see eating disorders for the spiritual problems they are):

    God bless you~